seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
