Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
