Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
