I just pynch a tree in the face
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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