and next time when you feel me up, do it right
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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