tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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