are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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