Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
