I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
