Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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