Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
