I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
