Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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