You're my little dorito
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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