you would pick up someone in the library
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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