u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
