everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal