Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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