im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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