chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
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Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
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There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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