New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
