I just pynch a tree in the face
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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