My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Randomize
