I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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