buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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