The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
