Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
