I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
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To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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