she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
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