So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
