she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
