I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
