I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
