he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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