i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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