I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
