ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
