im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
