1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
