so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
