I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
