I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
