I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
