so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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