you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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