I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
