my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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