Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
