There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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