I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
