i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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