Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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