My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
