You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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