Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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