If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
