i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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