Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Randomize
