im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
not ubering you a puppy
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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